Bank Shenanigans: Investor Days, Fired CEOs, and Closures – What's the Deal?

Bank of America's Investor Day: Too Little, Too Late for Moynihan?

The 14-Year Itch: Moynihan Finally Talks

Fourteen years. That's how long Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan has avoided a proper investor day. Fourteen freakin' years! What's he been doing, hiding under a rock? Oh wait, managing risk aversion...same difference.

Insiders whisper the board finally twisted his arm, desperate for a plan to goose the stock price and maybe, just maybe, put up a fight against Jamie Dimon's JPM juggernaut. Color me skeptical.

BofA, the second-biggest bank in the US, is perpetually playing second fiddle. Stock lagging, missing out on the big deals...it's like watching the Washington Generals of the banking world. Moynihan, the lawyer-turned-CEO, gets the blame. He's been running the place like it's still 2009, clinging to balance sheet management like it's a life raft.

And the location of this investor day? Boston. Not New York, where the HQ supposedly is. Not Charlotte, where it used to be. Boston. Seriously? What is this, some kind of weird power play? Is he trying to prove he can run a global bank from the same city where they invented baked beans? Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan to hold his first investor day since 2011

"Responsible Growth": Code for "Same Old Crap"

Moynihan's new buzzword is "responsible growth." Translation: don't expect any big swings. No crazy trading profits, no surprise losses. Just...consistent, boring growth. They're touting over a dozen years of "consistent growth" in sales and trading. Which, when you cut through the PR, means they’re happy with mediocrity.

It's like patting yourself on the back for consistently showing up to work...in a coma.

And let's not forget the interest rate debacle of 2021. They dove headfirst into safe treasuries, only to get crushed when inflation spiked. Brilliant!

The real kicker? Moynihan apparently won't let his traders use the bank's massive balance sheet to actually support client deals. So they miss out on the best assignments. It's like owning a Ferrari but only driving it to church on Sundays. What's the point?

Oh, and the board? Apparently, it's the most CEO-friendly in the biz. Which explains why Moynihan felt comfy enough to wait until now to lay out a succession plan. He wants to stick around for another five years? Five more years of this cautious, risk-averse nonsense?

Speaking of which, TD Bank is closing 51 branches nationwide, including six in Massachusetts, shifting to a more digital-centric model. Offcourse, that's "normal course of action annually as we continue to evolve with the customer needs," according to some TD Bank suit. Right. It's totally about the customer and not about cutting costs and boosting profits. Give me a break.

The Next Generation of...More of the Same?

More than a dozen BofA execs are scheduled to speak at this investor day, including the three supposed heirs to the throne: Dean Athanasia, Alastair Borthwick, and Jim DeMare. DeMare is supposedly the frontrunner because of the bank's "new found love of taking capital markets risk, albeit in a responsible manner."

"Responsible risk"? That's like "slightly pregnant." It doesn't exist.

Here's the thing, though. Why should we believe any of this? Why should we believe that this investor day is anything more than a carefully orchestrated PR stunt to appease shareholders and keep Moynihan in power? Maybe I'm just too cynical. Nah.

So, What's the Real Story Here?

It's a dog and pony show. Moynihan's been phoning it in for years, and this investor day ain't gonna change a damn thing. He's going to trot out some executives, spout some corporate jargon about "responsible growth," and everyone will nod and smile. Meanwhile, JPM will keep eating their lunch. It ain't gonna work.